1. Watch telly for the duration of her labour, and expect her to look up for all the interesting parts. Ramble about inane topics through her contractions; only pay attention to her when she begs you to hold her hand as the baby is crowning, then return to your television program as she catches your son to her chest and cries in relief.
2. Cook fabulous dinners and leave the dishes strewn haphazardly across the counters, to be cleaned the next day, the next week, the next year.
3. Gut a room in the house, stash it with tools, and proceed to forget about it for six months. Brownie points if it's a room she uses on a regular basis, like the bathroom or the master bedroom.
4. When naming aforementioned baby, ridicule her favourite names, then spend hours presenting absurdly-pronounced and random words from exotic languages.
5. Two days after she gives birth order her to lie down and take a nap, then leave her with the baby, a traumatized toddler, and three older children competing to rival the Energizer Bunny. Go out to your personal shed and fiddle for two hours with your hobbies. When you come back inside give her a tongue lashing for not sleeping and yell at the kids for playing. Better yet, make them cower -- make them all cower -- because you're just that scary.
6. See to it that she knows how grateful she should be for having such a helpful and devoted husband. In case anyone asks, have ready a spiel on how your family victimizes you.
~ ~ ~
Results are guaranteed; side effects for your wife include mental breakdown, imprisonment, committment to an asylum, habitual use of opiates, and suicide. All this, of course, after she has cannibalized your children and strung you up in the rafters by a nursing bra. You haven't a speck of my sympathy... but I pity the children their fate.
Poor little kiddos.
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